Hypocrite

2 months after I have come back from Tanzania, I am no more enlightened than when I first got back.. If anything I feel less so. Lately, I’ve been questioning my own value to the world and it’s been less than inspiring.

I guess part of it is that I haven’t really done much or achieved much in the last two months. I’ve been slack in catching up with people and not very good in sharing my stories. I haven’t found a job or really figured out my next step and that’s left me in transition.

Whatever it is, I’m a little underwhelmed by my own potential right now. Looking at jobs in the humanitarian sector, I feel woefully under qualified and lacking experience, while I feel I’ve fallen behind the times in terms of skills and knowledge about the rest of the world. All in all, I feel completely unprepared and not up to the task of achieving much let alone making much of a difference in the world.

Reflecting upon my life, I feel somewhat of a hypocrite. How can I help anyone else when I struggle to help myself? How can I help anyone fulfil their potential if I am unable to find my own? What have I done or achieved with my own life that qualifies me to help others with theirs? Can I truly convince people to see their own value if I struggle to find the only value in me?

I must admit to a false sense of confidence and righteousness that now seems to be so unreal. Maybe I used to have a better grasp of reality and a clearer world view.. but now it seems clouded and I feel disconnected from the reality of things. It seems everything I think and do is open to self-examination and questioning and I can’t find any satisfactory answers.