Hypocrite

2 months after I have come back from Tanzania, I am no more enlightened than when I first got back.. If anything I feel less so. Lately, I’ve been questioning my own value to the world and it’s been less than inspiring.

I guess part of it is that I haven’t really done much or achieved much in the last two months. I’ve been slack in catching up with people and not very good in sharing my stories. I haven’t found a job or really figured out my next step and that’s left me in transition.

Whatever it is, I’m a little underwhelmed by my own potential right now. Looking at jobs in the humanitarian sector, I feel woefully under qualified and lacking experience, while I feel I’ve fallen behind the times in terms of skills and knowledge about the rest of the world. All in all, I feel completely unprepared and not up to the task of achieving much let alone making much of a difference in the world.

Reflecting upon my life, I feel somewhat of a hypocrite. How can I help anyone else when I struggle to help myself? How can I help anyone fulfil their potential if I am unable to find my own? What have I done or achieved with my own life that qualifies me to help others with theirs? Can I truly convince people to see their own value if I struggle to find the only value in me?

I must admit to a false sense of confidence and righteousness that now seems to be so unreal. Maybe I used to have a better grasp of reality and a clearer world view.. but now it seems clouded and I feel disconnected from the reality of things. It seems everything I think and do is open to self-examination and questioning and I can’t find any satisfactory answers.

To Aid or not to Aid?

Over the past few weeks, whenever I’ve told people that I’m looking for an opportunity to go back to Africa, or that I’d like to do more humanitarian work, the general response seems to be one of surprise. I guess it’s understandable. I ask myself the same  question.. why do I want to go back?

The problems are so huge and inter-connected that it seems like an impossible task. Every time I research or read up on the topics, the enormity of even just one of the Millennium Development Goals is overwhelming. Then I think back on the hard times I had… it wasn’t the power cuts or breakdowns, it was the emotional beating you get when you see someone in need that you can’t help or the letdown when you see how ineffective Aid can be and your efforts seem like a waste of time. The wearing down that came with the constant begging and the general apathy towards life.

It’s a challenge that I think a lot of people in that line of work face. It’s demoralising when the people you are trying to help are apathetic to your efforts or even worse try to take advantage of that. Yet despite all the frustrations, I remember that it’s not about me but about the people who need my help. To remind myself of this, I recall the old man and his orange. If you had started reading my blog in the early days you would have read my story about this old man that was sitting on a tree stump in the middle of the forest.

It was still near the beginning of my assignment, not long after language school if I remember correctly, that I was running through the forest on a new path I had never explored before when I saw this old man sitting on a tree stump seemingly waiting for somebody. He saw me as I approached and waved me down and we had a bit of a chat. When he found out I was a little bit sick (I was coughing a little) he gave me an orange he had saved from his lunch. This may not seem like much, an orange was probably worth about 10cents… but taken in context it serves to remind me of the true spirit of humanitarian work.

He did not have much, but he saw a need and without hesitation acted to fill that need. He didn’t make any judgements or assumptions about me, it didn’t matter that I was a mzungu (or foreigner) or that I was much more privileged than him. It is this generosity of spirit that reminds me what it’s all about, because if an old uneducated truck driver can show that capacity to help another human being then a well-educated kiwi-asian engineer from NZ should be able to do just as much if not more.

It’s because of people like the old man and for people like him that I feel the need to help. They serve as the role models as well as the reasons for humanitarian work. If you or me can enable someone like him to a better life, imagine the impact that person could make on others and imagine what the world could be like?

The Boy in the Baobab tree

Once upon a time, there was a woman and her husband who lived underneath a giant Baobab tree. They had a small farm with fruit trees, some chickens, a cow, a goat and a vegetable patch that provided them with all the necessities they needed to survive, but as there was no-one else around for miles, it was a little bit lonely. This was especially so for the old wife who had never been able to have children and so when her husband was out working in the fields, she would often sit outside and talk to the giant Baobab tree as if it were an old friend.

The Baobab was a patient old tree and the woman’s family had lived there for generations and they had always faithfully looked after him and treated him with much respect and so he was quite fond of this old woman and wanted to help her. So one sunny day, he reached out his long root-like branches out to heaven and asked God to help the old woman.

God agreed to help but told the Baobab that he had to provide some of himself as a sacrifice in order to create a child for the woman. The old tree readily agreed, remembering all the many times the woman and her husband had cared for the ground around his roots and chased away the annoying monkeys from amongst his branches. So God took one of the Baobab’s giant roots and shaped into the form of a child.

When the old woman woke up one morning to hear the sound of a baby crying, she could hardly believe her ears, thinking that she was still dreaming but when she came outside, there was a baby boy nestled in the roots of the Baobab. The old woman instantly knew this was a gift from God and the Baobab tree and happily rushed inside with the baby boy to find some milk to feed him.

Since the old woman was now busy with the baby boy, she came less and less often to visit the old tree and what used to be a daily visit turned into weekly visits and then maybe once a month. The Baobab now became a bit lonely without the old woman to keep him company and it would have been understandable if he was a bit bitter about it. After all, he had sacrificed one of his life giving roots for the woman and while she was now happy, he had one root less and one less friend to talk to. That hardly seems fair!

Luckily, the tree was not only patient, he was also very old and had gained a lot of wisdom in his years. He understood that sometimes one had to make sacrifices for the happiness of those one cared for and one has to remember that the reason the sacrifice was made was not to gain favours but out of love and affection. The old tree also knew that while it was painful now, in the years to come the sacrifice he made would grow into a young boy who could play with him all day long and so he was content with what he had done.

Moments of Peace…

When I was in Tanzania, I had many moments when something I saw or an experience I had gave me this amazing sense of peace and contentment. An amazing sunset or an exceptionally clear night, staring at the moon across lake victoria or simply watching the colobus monkeys playing in the trees outside my house. I had many of these moments both at home and out in the bush or travelling.. those moments that instill a sense of wonder and peace and a feeling of rightness.

Tonight was the first time since I’ve been back that I’ve really had one of those moments and it was during the half time at the France vs Japan game at North Harbour stadium. On my right are the grand stands and the corporate boxes and the bright flood lights of the stadium and above them is an almost full moon partially covered by cloud. I think perhaps it’s the excitement of an awesome rugby game and the atmosphere of lively crowd consisting of French and Japanese supporters and the stark contrast with the surreal beauty of a full moon.

I wonder why it’s taken me almost 2 months to find that kind of inner peace and contentment and why it’s so difficult to attain when it seemed to easy to do in Tanzania.. and how long I can manage to hold onto that feeling. The last few weeks have been anything but peaceful for me as I’ve had a sense of unsettledness and a feeling of things just not being quite right.

Maybe it’s that I’m still in confusion over what my next step is and the lack of direction and purpose is getting to me. Maybe it’s because I am still re-settling into life back here and finding it difficult. Maybe I’ve seen too much or out-grown my place here… or maybe NZ has outgrown me? Whatever it is, I can clearly remember those moments of wonder and peace I found and I want that back. Is that too much to ask?

What’s your Utopia?

Utopia – The perfect or ideal world. Can you imagine it? It was at some point about 6-8 months ago during a movie or a book I was reading that this question popped into my head.. the ultimate “what if” question.

It’s a mental thought exercise that a lot of us do when we’re working towards some kind of goal or objective. We try to visualize and imagine the perfect solution to the problem, or the perfect technique, or the perfect body.. and that perfection becomes our goal. Then you play the “what if” game, what if this and that happened, would it be get me closer to that perfection or not? and the bigger the dream or objective, the more you let your imagination run wild to encompass the possibilities. When you go past the realm of reality then it becomes a work of fiction, and that’s what makes stories and movies so compelling, they answer our what-ifs.

So if we want a perfect world to live in, we have to first be able to imagine what it would be like.. you can’t create something without a vision. Except, when I tried to imagine a utopia or what heaven would  be like, I couldn’t. I was as surprised as anyone to realise that I had difficulty in visualising this concept. I couldn’t imagine a world where there was no conflict or where everybody got what they wanted and needed. Maybe I’ve grown cynical or maybe I’ve just grown up. It’s a sad thing no matter the reason.

Has my childish idealism of former days been eroded by the constant conflict I see on the news? The vicious cycles of violence and war? The suffering of the poor and needy? The pettiness and selfishness of the human race? or was it only a dream blown away by the harsh realities of the real world?

Is it really impossible for world peace and happiness? a world where we can live in mutual understanding and respect of those around us. A world nobody is hungry or in need…. I struggle to complete the image or to truly believe in it’s possibility. What is missing? What is your idea of utopia? I’d love to hear it.